But Maybe Tomorrow
by Tiamat's Child
Summary: Kakyou considers his wish and his reasons for it. H/K


Title: But Maybe Tomorrow

Series: X

Author: Tiamat's Child

Rating: PG

Genre: Drama/romance

Characters: Kakyou

Pairing: Kakyou/Hokuto

Disclaimer: Kakyou doesn't belong to me. Thank the heavens, I'd feel a need to do something about his complexes if he did.

Summary: Kakyou considers his wish and his reasons for it.

Note: I'm badly blocked on the "Gettin' There" series, so I'm taking a break from it for a while.

But Maybe Tomorrow

Tiamat's Child

Once, not so very long ago, there was a woman who made the stars seem plain and commonplace. She was brave and strong and full of joy. Everything she did she did fully, she was not one to hang on the edges of things. She had a brother, who meant the world to her, and she died to save him.

I died with her, though I'm still breathing.

Watching her was always like staring at the sun, it's wonderful and joyous, but if you look too long you'll go blind from too much glory. I didn't care. I couldn't turn my face away from her then, and even now that she is gone, and has been for years, my memories of her consume me. She was the first warmth in my life, and I basked in the heat of her presence like a man who has been fished from the waters of an arctic sea basks in the sun.

I miss her.

When I was small I knew a girl who told stories to anyone who would listen. She said she had to tell ten thousand stories before she would be allowed to die. She told me one once, about a girl who loved a boy, and destroyed herself with love for him, finally finding her peace only in death. I listened and when she was finished I asked her a question.

"Do you want to die so very badly then?" She smiled, though the smile did not touch her eyes.

"Yes. The person I loved was taken away from me a long time ago. I'm completely exhausted. I don't want to feel anymore."

I didn't really understand then, but when I was sixteen I learned the thing that she had known for so long. There is no point in living when the one you love is gone. Why should I fight to live anymore? Why struggle through the exhaustion when there isn't anyone to care if you decide to seek rest?

I'm too tired to keep going. Why should I even try? Is there some reason I cannot see? Kotori seemed to think so, but I'm not so sure. Is all this worth it?

Hokuto would scold me for asking that. I can almost hear her, if I imagine hard enough. I know just what she'd say to me.

"Life is always worth it, Kakyou! Don't you dare say it isn't! Even if you hurt so much you can barely stand it life is worth that! You can't just give up! Don't you dare give up! You're stronger then that!"

She was always so pretty when she was angry, and she always had such a huge faith in me. But I'm *not* as strong as she thought I was. Without her I am nothing, only a pale vine without a trellis to cling to. Hokuto was my trellis. How can a vine live without its trellis? It can't, and so I can't live without Hokuto.

I can't keep living. I can't even keep on existing solely in this shadow world, unable to touch. It doesn't help at all. I still have to see. I have to see everything. And to make it even worse I cannot forget the pain of Hokuto's death, or the sorrow of Kotori's.

Oh yes, Kotori. That sweet young girl with the hopeful heart. In so many ways she was so much more then I am. Kotori could find the will to act. I often wonder how she managed to do so. It must have been because she was sure that the future was not decided yet.

I wish I could believe that as well. I want to believe it, but wanting to believe it and believing it are two separate things. I cannot help but still believe that all this is laid out before it ever happens and there is no way to turn anyone from their chosen courses.

I tried to change fate once and ended up the worse for it. Yet I find that I keep trying. I wonder why, when I never manage to change anything.

Is there a point to an existence such as mine? An existence devoid of love or hope? An existence foreordained to be completely and utterly wretched? What is the point? What is the reason?

Perhaps it is true that the Fates are amused by the misery of mortals.

Hokuto why did you leave me? I could have helped you if you had told me what was wrong. You didn't have to die! I would have done anything, even killed him or locked him away. How did I not see what you planned to do?

I suppose it wouldn't have done any real good though.

No one ever told me how much it hurts to love. Why didn't anyone tell me? If they had I would have hidden my heart away better.

Why do I have nothing? All the others, even Subaru, have someone to protect or love, but I am alone. My life has been poured out as a sacrifice that others might know what comes just as Hokuto's blood and magic were poured out as sacrifices to keep her brother safe.

Doesn't a sacrifice get anything in return?

If only I could see you one last time. That would be enough. If I could talk to you and tell you all the things I meant to say that got lost somehow.

That's what I wanted when I shot myself. I told myself you couldn't be really *gone*, that if I caused myself enough pain you'd come to lecture me and then I could say what I needed to. Besides, if I did it right it wouldn't matter. The pain would be over.

But I botched it, the same way I seem to botch everything. So I'm still alive, even if only just barely. You didn't even come to speak with me. You never have. Why?

Why won't fate let me die? I want to.

I wish I'd died nine years ago! I still had some innocence then, some hope. Now I have nothing. I'd rather I never met you then have to suffer this!

No. No, I don't mean that. I'm sorry. I wouldn't give up having known you for anything. I wish I'd never left you. I wish I'd been able to come to you sooner. I wish a lot of things.

But I won't worry. My most important wish will come true soon. The Kamui promised me this one thing. This one little thing. To be back with you again.

It will be very soon. I just have to wait a little longer. Just a little longer. You don't have such a long time to go before we can fulfill our promises. Please keep waiting for me?

I'm sorry for being such a coward. I'm sorry for not being as strong as you are. I'm sorry for wanting to see you again too badly. Please forgive me.

I love you.


End file.
